More Ideas For Healthy Sex
A few days ago I published a blog entitled “You Can’t Spell Healthy Sex Without 5 Ps.” At the end of that blog I wrote the following words, “Well, I have more that I could probably add but I’ve reached my word limit. (I might write a follow-up but we’ll see if there is any demand after today. In fact, we’ll see if I even still have an audience after today.” At the time I had no idea what to expect. To be entirely honest, I didn’t feel particularly confident about the potential response. (Pitchforks, torches, and angry shouts of “Kill the Beast!” would not have surprised me at all).
However, much to my surprise that blog has generated more first days views and comments than anything I imagined possible. In addition, many of you have been specifically asking for the rest of the list.
So, since you asked for it, here are a few more Ps (and 2 Cs) that will lead to healthy sex:
- Past. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all done things we regret. Everyone has a past. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. And some of it was very, very ugly. During the past 20 years I’ve counseled so many couples who were struggling to make it through the garbage from their past relationships. Healthy sex requires addressing the failings of the past. Trying to simple bury them or ignore them will accomplish absolutely nothing. If the failures belong to us, we need to learn from them and intentionally build barriers to keep us from returning to those bad decisions. If the failures belong to our partner, we need to forgive the other person and find constructive ways to help them walk in victory. Too many couples use the past as a weapon, seeking to employ it as a means of either controlling, hurting, or punishing the other person. Let the past go and the past will let go of you.
- Porn. I don’t think this one requires much explanation (at least I hope it doesn’t). Porn does NOT enhance the sexual experience. Sure, there might be a short-term rush of “pleasure” but the long-term consequences are devastating. It only hurts healthy sex by breaking down the essential element of trust. Just think of all the mixed signals that porn sends to a couple. The one looking at the porn develops a distorted view of healthy sex, replacing it with fantasy and unrealistic images. Meanwhile the other partner finds themselves relentlessly buffeted with feelings of insecurity and anger, wondering why they are not “good enough” for the other person. And to be quite honest with you, after 20 years of marital counseling I have yet to meet the couple who told me, “We’re so glad we started using porn.” Hasn’t happened. And I doubt that it ever will.
- Privacy. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Healthy sex grows best in an environment of transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. Few things hurt a person more than discovering that their partner has been trumpeting their personal, private love-life to those around them. It does absolutely no good to shut the door if you plan on broadcasting it anyway. Most women want an environment that is safe and secure. The expectation of privacy is a key component of that security.
- Communication. It’s okay to talk in the bedroom. No, really it is. Open, honest communication in the bedroom can play an important role in a healthy sex-life. If something is enjoyable, let your partner know. If something makes you uncomfortable, let your partner know. Healthy sex involves placing the other person before ourselves. And for that to happen, words need to be exchanged. Emotions need to be expressed. In fact, it only makes sense. You are already experiencing physical intimacy on the most personal level; so, why wouldn’t you include every other part of your life?
- Commitment. Last but certainly not least… healthy sex requires real commitment. Not to the sex itself. But to the other person. Somehow our culture has managed to cheapen sex and make it a meaningless physical interaction between “consenting adults.” Forget consenting. Healthy sex requires committed adults. That’s one of the reasons why this generation fights so vehemently against the idea of marriage. Marriage is just an extension of commitment which, to the world, is just another form of limitation. The truth is that commitment is liberating… not limiting. Healthy sex is possible when both partners know that their counterpart is not out and about, playing the field, open to any and all takers. Commitment breeds security and fosters love. Commitment makes trust possible and healthy sex cannot exist without trust.
Well, there you go. I hope that this has been a help. As for me, I’m ready to move on to another subject (any subject). Thanks again for all your continued encouragement and support over the past 5 years. If you missed part 1 of this mini-series, just click the photo link below. It will take you directly to the first part of this look at healthy sex. I’ve also included another popular blog you might enjoy. Again, just click the image to read it. Take care.